I’m struggling with something.

I’ve been given something that I need, but it’s not exactly what I want.

I’m struggling with being grateful.

I have what I need and so many others don’t.

But, what I have isn’t shaped the right way. It doesn’t fit me just right. It takes a little sacrifice on my part to accept it.

I think it takes too much. I feel unwilling to try to find out.

I feel like I’ve sacrificed enough and I want what I want, how I want it.

I hear how selfish that sounds. I hear how ungrateful that sounds. I hear myself thinking, “I don’t want to feel this way.”

And I acknowledge that I do not have the power to choose to feel differently, no matter how much I read about giving ourselves the power to choose to be happy. My heart is just too big and over powers my brain.

I want to have a happy heart. I deserve a happy heart. I’m the only one stopping myself from having one.

The world does not control my happiness, but my switch to happy heart is very heavy and I have trouble managing it alone.

I will challenge myself. Grateful or not, I’m accepting what I have been given, or rather what I have earned, but don’t really want. I will put 100% into it, because only then will I be able to understand if it was a gift or not. Only then, can I discover if it is what I need.

I recognize that I fear committing to something that doesn’t guarantee happiness. I worry how this will affect me in the future. I trust that I will relearn how to commit wholeheartedly again.

I will begin by starting here: this moment. I am grateful for my family and friends, but then again, I always have been. They are a guiding force, a beacon in the darkness. I was utterly lost without them near. I do not want to be that alone again.

I simply could not bear it.

This moment, I am grateful for my basic needs being met: I am fed, I am clothed, I am housed. So many cannot say the same.

I am grateful that I know where my next paycheck is coming from.

I am grateful that every once in awhile I can, once again, indulge in a bit of excess.

I am grateful for the freedom to choose my future.

I am grateful for the opportunity to change.

I am grateful for the chance to be happy again.