Tag Archives: change

Life….Returns

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For quite some time, I have felt like my life was on hiatus.

First in Israel, where I couldn’t live the life I had expected or become accusomtomed to and I was becoming less and less SUSANNA every day that passed.

Then, when I moved back to the United States, but was jobless, existing on money my parents gave me, ashamed that I couldn’t support myself at age 30 and sleeping on an air mattress.

Later, when I got a job, and started to get back on my feet, not having to worry so much about money or food, but still sleeping on an air mattress.

Now, approaching the time when I’m going to move into my own apartment, and see my furniture and my possessions which have been in storage for the past three years.

It feels like I’ve waited a very long time for this to happen, but the wait has made the approach very sweet. I am so excited to begin living the life I have been dreaming of. It’s not like I’ve just been waiting around, either. I have been working, steadily and with intention towards this life.

When people ask me where it is I’m headed, or what it is that I want, I tend to struggle for an answer. I’m considering not answering it at all. I know the old adage: If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll never get there.

But, I wrote something in a text yesterday that just came out, and I thought: Yes. This is a mantra.

So I’m working to not overthink everything I do, to go with the flow without having to understanding each wave that sometimes goes over my head, to let myself live without questioning if it’s right.

Realization of Why

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I don’t know for sure what the cosmic reasons for my two and half years of living abroad, or for the divorce. If I were to be so bold to hazard a guess, I would say that God intended for me to be in this place right now. I finally feel like I’m pursuing a goal and a life that is meant for me. My grind means something. I’m satisfied and fulfilled by it. I wish it sustained me as an economic support, but one day, I know it will.

I’ve seen changes in myself. I’m slower to judge and slower to speak. I’m much more easy going. I’m softer. I don’t have the energy, desire, or need to fight with others over most things. My response to a personal challenge is often a shrug of the shoulders, which doesn’t mean I’ve given up, it means that I’m better able to judge what’s worth fighting over. But, I really don’t have the power in me to fight someone. I am devoting all my energy to fighting for myself. I want to find me again. I want to be myself, and it has to be the best version of myself. I was an unacceptable version for far too long. I’m getting there slowly, slowly. I like who I’m becoming. I’m aware of who I was and where I’ve been and where I don’t want to be ever again.

Moving to Burbank has definitely helped this process. If I had stayed in Fresno, surrounded by my family and friends, light and support, I would still be using that crutch. Relocating to a place where I would be initially alone forced me  to constantly evaluate who I was, what I was and who I was going to be. I had to make new friends. I had to depend on myself and I only had me depending on myself. I was out on my own. That’s really only partially true because I had emotional and financial support from my parents, as well as love from my friends whenever I needed it. But I was physically alone, discovering myself again. It has been a good journey so far, but not without trials, to be sure.

What I’m challenged by most, right now, is still guilt. I feel like I’m carrying around a lot of it. I know why, but I’m tired of doing it. It’s weighing me down unnecessarily and making my progress slower. I want to put this guilt down, but I don’t know how.

So while I understand that I don’t fully understand the purpose behind all that has happened to me, and all that I have caused to happen, I am trying to make sense of it. I am feeling more at ease than I ever have before. I like being the softer version of myself. I like being malleable to ideas. I like being open to new things. I like testing waters. I like testing myself. I like meeting new people and my whole story is mine. I also like being with old friends who can see the changes in me and like them.

Hold Me Down

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You know how some songs remind you of a time or place? You’re immediately transported back to that space, and your heart reacts whether it was a happy moment, a painful memory, a sad time or a joyous occasion. When Too Close by Next comes on, I’m in a red dress again at junior prom dancing with the cutest guy on the track team.

Incubus’ “Hold Me Down” used to make me cry when living in Israel. It’s even hard to listen to now.

“I’m not afraid to leave this goddamn town. I’ve had enough. God, I won’t look back. I walk awhile along the railroad track. I’m obliged to you babe, but this place you see is trying to hold me down. I want more than you can offer. I am off to anywhere but here. I keep walking so nobody can hold me down.”

It was hard to listen to because I identified with it too much. I had to get out. I’d had enough. I felt obliged, that really is the exact word, but I was being held down, made myself physically ill and nothing but my absolute freedom was going to fix me. I wanted more than he could offer. “I am tired of all the ifs and whens”. I had to go anywhere, but without him.

“It’s too much to live down.” I simply could not beat it. And I don’t think I was meant to. I know there are others who are divorced or considering it who read my blogs. I know there are those who are happily married who are sad because they can’t fathom how it would feel to have to live and be married to someone you aren’t in love with. I believe there are those who read my blog and judge me for being weak, which is stupid because I do that enough for everyone. I know I gave up. I know I chose myself over my commitment. I know I disappointed people. I just couldn’t live one more day with the burden of being held down.

Those who know me really well keep telling me that they see the old Susanna. I feel her. I missed her so much. I used to cry to my ex-husband weekly about how much I missed who I used to be, how much I missed my old life. I was in mourning.

The funeral shroud has come off. My Dad told me he hadn’t heard me this happy in a really long time. Apparently, even my tone is bursting with joy.

I feel like no one could hold me down. I feel unstoppable, and I know these feelings will fade when I encounter failure, embarrassment, uncertainty, shame and other causes of struggle. But right now, I feel like I’m finally coming into my own. I am jobless, sleeping on an air mattress, counting the few dollars I have and living off handouts from my parents.

It’s the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life.

That, my friends, is happy.