Tag Archives: God

Yom Kippur Musings

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In the last ten days (The Days of Awe), I have thought very hard about what type of person I want to be in the coming year, and especially the way I want to express my Judaism. At this point, I don’t think it’s something I can separate myself from, it is so engrained in my identity. Before I was married, however, I did not keep kosher, except on Shabbat. Before I was married, I did not speak Hebrew. Before I was married, I did not do a true fast on Yom Kippur (meaning I drank, used electronics, drove the car). Now that I am no longer married, I have asked myself: Do I want to keep kosher? What synagogue do I want to join? Do I still want to be with someone Jewish? How serious will my Yom Kippur be?

I tell you, these questions are much easier in Israel. Almost everyone you meet is Jewish, so that question gets answered easily. On Yom Kippur, you can’t drive or your car will be stoned and since everyone else is fasting, and sitting at home and reading, meditating or attending shul, it’s not so hard to do it with them. I’m not the odd one out. In Israel, I didn’t particularly care for any synagogue, though, because it felt so very different from what I was used to. Here in Southern California, I have attended many synagogues I like, a lot. But, do I have time to dedicate to being a member of a synagogue? I work, and when I’m not working, I’m working on comedy. It is not impossible to be intentional with my Shabbat and dedicate that one day to God. But, am I ready to make that commitment?

Moving on to things I am more sure of. I sent my ex-husband a Rosh Hashanah note which basically said that I valued our time together, I wish him a healthy and happy New Year. He responded in kind and added blessings for my parents. I have surely divorced one of the nicest men on the planet. And I am blessed by that. I know so many others who fight bitterly or are tormented by their exes. But, there are others with whom I perhaps owe an apology, except I’m not particularly sorry for what I have done, or I’m not sure how to approach the apology. I am sorry that I no longer want to be someone’s friend. I am sorry that I told this person, thereby creating hurt feelings. This might be the closest I get to a direct apology. Additionally, I’m sorry if I used someone. I’m sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry for saying mean things. I’m sorry for the mistakes I’ve made, not because of them, but for the consequences other suffered.

I feel at relative peace moving forward into the New Year. I will be spending tonight and tomorrow with a new friend among other young adults in the Los Angeles area. I am happy because I enjoy new experiences and meeting new people. I am happy because I am not alone. I am happy because I am beginning to see a light, a path, a place.

Realization of Why

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I don’t know for sure what the cosmic reasons for my two and half years of living abroad, or for the divorce. If I were to be so bold to hazard a guess, I would say that God intended for me to be in this place right now. I finally feel like I’m pursuing a goal and a life that is meant for me. My grind means something. I’m satisfied and fulfilled by it. I wish it sustained me as an economic support, but one day, I know it will.

I’ve seen changes in myself. I’m slower to judge and slower to speak. I’m much more easy going. I’m softer. I don’t have the energy, desire, or need to fight with others over most things. My response to a personal challenge is often a shrug of the shoulders, which doesn’t mean I’ve given up, it means that I’m better able to judge what’s worth fighting over. But, I really don’t have the power in me to fight someone. I am devoting all my energy to fighting for myself. I want to find me again. I want to be myself, and it has to be the best version of myself. I was an unacceptable version for far too long. I’m getting there slowly, slowly. I like who I’m becoming. I’m aware of who I was and where I’ve been and where I don’t want to be ever again.

Moving to Burbank has definitely helped this process. If I had stayed in Fresno, surrounded by my family and friends, light and support, I would still be using that crutch. Relocating to a place where I would be initially alone forced me  to constantly evaluate who I was, what I was and who I was going to be. I had to make new friends. I had to depend on myself and I only had me depending on myself. I was out on my own. That’s really only partially true because I had emotional and financial support from my parents, as well as love from my friends whenever I needed it. But I was physically alone, discovering myself again. It has been a good journey so far, but not without trials, to be sure.

What I’m challenged by most, right now, is still guilt. I feel like I’m carrying around a lot of it. I know why, but I’m tired of doing it. It’s weighing me down unnecessarily and making my progress slower. I want to put this guilt down, but I don’t know how.

So while I understand that I don’t fully understand the purpose behind all that has happened to me, and all that I have caused to happen, I am trying to make sense of it. I am feeling more at ease than I ever have before. I like being the softer version of myself. I like being malleable to ideas. I like being open to new things. I like testing waters. I like testing myself. I like meeting new people and my whole story is mine. I also like being with old friends who can see the changes in me and like them.

Vegan: Day Three

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Well, I’ll admit it. I already messed up. I actually messed up on day one. I had been drinking, a lot, and I ate a piece of pizza. There was no meat on it because no matter how drunk I get, I always remember that I keep kosher. But the vegan eating slipped my mind for a moment because I was starving and it was there. I usually don’t even eat pizza so I’m pretty disappointed in myself.

But, I get ahead of myself. I went into Long Beach before my show, had a few beers and dinner. I used the YELP app on my phone to find a vegan restaurant or a place with vegan options. It was so easy! I ate a fried cauliflower pita sandwich with tahini sauce, hummus, onions and tomatoes. It was absolutely filling and delicious! I didn’t feel limited at all. Later, I got home and opened up the Tofu sausage and grilled it on the stove. It was fantastic. However, I have to eat it sober because after drinking, pretty much everything tastes good. I ate a nectarine with it.

I woke up and made a protein shake as I ran off to an interview. For lunch, I stir fried a green bell pepper, onion, and mushrooms. I stirred the mixture into some quinoa with fresh pepper and salt. It was fantastic. I cut a tomato and put salton it. For dinner, I mixed some raspberries in with the protein shake and I feel really good, very healthy.

Bahahahah!

But, I don’t have a connection yet to this lifestyle. It doesn’t feel like a sacrifice, and maybe it’s not supposed to. But when I started keeping kosher and every time I choose to be kosher instead of eating a Hawaiian pizza or cheeseburger, the intention behind my choice makes me feel connected to Judaism and to God. Making vegan food choices doesn’t make me feel connected to anything. I’m wondering if this is because I need to understand more than just the health benefits of veganism.  I know there are other reasons people choose to live vegan lifestyles and today, I’m going to spend some time reading, watching, learning and reflecting about how food choices we make affect the animals we share the world with.