Tag Archives: gratitude

My One Year Wedding Anniversary

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I guess a year ago, I imagined today would be different.

But, I guess I need to be happy about this because it is what I’ve chosen. And I am happy(er).

I want to thank my ex-husband, Ben, for letting me go. If he had told me to stay, I would have.

He knew how unhappy I was and he wanted me to be happy again. He recognized that we weren’t good together, and he put his pride aside to let me go. I am so grateful to him for that. I know he won’t be single long because he is an absolute catch and the right woman will make him very happy. I’m sorry that it wasn’t me.

I’m not sure how this day will end up. I’m not sure if my feelings of sadness and guilt will overwhelm me or if I’ll feel satisfied that I took a risk that I knew would bring both of us to a better place, even though the haul has been difficult. Will it be a celebration of sorts, or a day to dread?

When I wake up tomorrow, I’ll know. I hope I carry myself with grace, keep my cool and emerge feeling proud of where I am today, even though most days I feel the weight of guilt on my shoulders. I hope I don’t lose it and cry at some inappropriate time(which I have done at least three times in front of people who were not, at the time, close friends).

I know I am not the only person who deals with this. I know that it doesn’t take a divorce to struggle through anniversaries of events. I know there are others who feel alone in their quest, or feel judged by others. I wish we could all forgive ourselves, and others. I wish we could celebrate instead of mourn our choices or the paths we’ve been on. I wish we could lean on others without feeling like a burden, because we’ve allowed them at one point or another to lean on us. I wish we could move through grief and struggle with understanding. Misery does not love company. But this path will turn, one day.

I will toast my ex-husband today, his future and his happiness, because he has allowed me to pursue mine.

 

 

Thanks, and Do I Have To?

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I’m struggling with something.

I’ve been given something that I need, but it’s not exactly what I want.

I’m struggling with being grateful.

I have what I need and so many others don’t.

But, what I have isn’t shaped the right way. It doesn’t fit me just right. It takes a little sacrifice on my part to accept it.

I think it takes too much. I feel unwilling to try to find out.

I feel like I’ve sacrificed enough and I want what I want, how I want it.

I hear how selfish that sounds. I hear how ungrateful that sounds. I hear myself thinking, “I don’t want to feel this way.”

And I acknowledge that I do not have the power to choose to feel differently, no matter how much I read about giving ourselves the power to choose to be happy. My heart is just too big and over powers my brain.

I want to have a happy heart. I deserve a happy heart. I’m the only one stopping myself from having one.

The world does not control my happiness, but my switch to happy heart is very heavy and I have trouble managing it alone.

I will challenge myself. Grateful or not, I’m accepting what I have been given, or rather what I have earned, but don’t really want. I will put 100% into it, because only then will I be able to understand if it was a gift or not. Only then, can I discover if it is what I need.

I recognize that I fear committing to something that doesn’t guarantee happiness. I worry how this will affect me in the future. I trust that I will relearn how to commit wholeheartedly again.

I will begin by starting here: this moment. I am grateful for my family and friends, but then again, I always have been. They are a guiding force, a beacon in the darkness. I was utterly lost without them near. I do not want to be that alone again.

I simply could not bear it.

This moment, I am grateful for my basic needs being met: I am fed, I am clothed, I am housed. So many cannot say the same.

I am grateful that I know where my next paycheck is coming from.

I am grateful that every once in awhile I can, once again, indulge in a bit of excess.

I am grateful for the freedom to choose my future.

I am grateful for the opportunity to change.

I am grateful for the chance to be happy again.

Gratitude

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I am not sure what I thought would come from posting a statement on why I was leaving my husband.

I did not expect the outpouring of support. I didn’t realize how many people I knew and cared about had gone through the same thing I am going through.

I feel blessed by this and even through this trudge through the mud, I feel lifted. I can feel the hands of my friends wrapping around my waist, whispering in my ear that I’m not alone.

For the first time in a long time, I feel good. Maybe I’m not supposed to, but I do. I feel better. There are still moments, don’t misunderstand me, where my gut is wrenched and I have to try to focus on something else to subtly ignore the pain I’m feeling. It may only fade with time, but I am working hard to focus on getting back to being me.

We are both lucky in that we hadn’t invested so much that we couldn’t step back and say we made a mistake. For that I am grateful. I am also so grateful for all of my friends who ignored my directive to not talk to me and called, texted, emailed or posted a message of concern, wisdom, encouragement or just love. I don’t have the words to express my gratitude, but this is my humble effort.

Thank you.

Spending time focusing on what's beautiful.