Tag Archives: Hashem

Yom Kippur Musings

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In the last ten days (The Days of Awe), I have thought very hard about what type of person I want to be in the coming year, and especially the way I want to express my Judaism. At this point, I don’t think it’s something I can separate myself from, it is so engrained in my identity. Before I was married, however, I did not keep kosher, except on Shabbat. Before I was married, I did not speak Hebrew. Before I was married, I did not do a true fast on Yom Kippur (meaning I drank, used electronics, drove the car). Now that I am no longer married, I have asked myself: Do I want to keep kosher? What synagogue do I want to join? Do I still want to be with someone Jewish? How serious will my Yom Kippur be?

I tell you, these questions are much easier in Israel. Almost everyone you meet is Jewish, so that question gets answered easily. On Yom Kippur, you can’t drive or your car will be stoned and since everyone else is fasting, and sitting at home and reading, meditating or attending shul, it’s not so hard to do it with them. I’m not the odd one out. In Israel, I didn’t particularly care for any synagogue, though, because it felt so very different from what I was used to. Here in Southern California, I have attended many synagogues I like, a lot. But, do I have time to dedicate to being a member of a synagogue? I work, and when I’m not working, I’m working on comedy. It is not impossible to be intentional with my Shabbat and dedicate that one day to God. But, am I ready to make that commitment?

Moving on to things I am more sure of. I sent my ex-husband a Rosh Hashanah note which basically said that I valued our time together, I wish him a healthy and happy New Year. He responded in kind and added blessings for my parents. I have surely divorced one of the nicest men on the planet. And I am blessed by that. I know so many others who fight bitterly or are tormented by their exes. But, there are others with whom I perhaps owe an apology, except I’m not particularly sorry for what I have done, or I’m not sure how to approach the apology. I am sorry that I no longer want to be someone’s friend. I am sorry that I told this person, thereby creating hurt feelings. This might be the closest I get to a direct apology. Additionally, I’m sorry if I used someone. I’m sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry for saying mean things. I’m sorry for the mistakes I’ve made, not because of them, but for the consequences other suffered.

I feel at relative peace moving forward into the New Year. I will be spending tonight and tomorrow with a new friend among other young adults in the Los Angeles area. I am happy because I enjoy new experiences and meeting new people. I am happy because I am not alone. I am happy because I am beginning to see a light, a path, a place.

Shabbat Should Mean Light

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I went to services on last Friday night with my friend Becca. I enjoy going to services with her. She introduced me to some very sweet people. I saw six people I had met while living in Orange County and even met up with one of them for a drink after the Oneg Mixer.

But, while I enjoyed parts of the evening, the services brought out something in me that doesn’t feel good.

I’m not sure that this is the life God intended me to live. I’m happier, at parts, but I just don’t know what he intended for me. On one hand, I’m so happy that I hope this is what he wanted. On the other hand, I know I violated the promise I made to him and to my husband that the bond we were forming was going to be one that lasted forever. It was the first time since the day I left Ben that I felt guilt. I wouldn’t go back and change what I did, but I want to feel at peace with it.

What about the services made me feel unworthy?

It was the people who looked so genuinely happy praising God. It’s not that I can’t praise God with a happy and honest heart; I feel more blessed in this time in my life than any other. It’s that I know I’m missing something. What I had is replaced by fear that I won’t ever have it again. I hope that should my fate be to spend the rest of my life in solitude that I remember that I am happier being alone that lonely with someone else by my side. We would have made each other very unhappy and I know it’s better off this way. But, the fear lingers…

I don’t want to feel like I’m in a prison

Quiet Space

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I spent two years waiting for my life to begin. I cried. I lamented. I tried to be patient.

I gave up.

Now I am here, more or less controlling my life, as much as possible considering I believe Hashem is truly in charge. But, now that I’m here, I want everything and I want it now. I had been practicing delayed gratification on such a grand scale that now I feel I’ve been flung onto the other end of the spectrum. I’m not sure I can slow the train just yet.

I am going to have to put a concentrated focus into being patient, into enjoying the anticipation of an event, a meeting, a meal, a feeling. I am going to have to relearn how to be quiet in a space alone without any expectations.

One can learn to be patient again. One can learn anything one wants if there is a true desire. I do want to be someone who can take deep breaths, relax, enjoy moments without thinking about the next one will bring.

Right now I’m just so excited about life that each moment which brings me satisfaction, happiness, joy, and pleasure triples my desire for more moments like these. Luckily, I’m not a drug user nor do I have an addictive personality, because this could get wild.

I do, however, find myself looking for the next big thing, or even just the next thing. I’m struggling with the quiet space. And it’s the quiet space that is really important. It allows for continued introspection, reflection and understanding of one’s self. I try to find a little quiet space every day, to be with myself, putting my iPhone and laptop aside. I don’t want to hear anything, except for my inner thoughts. What am I telling myself when I finally listen? What is God telling me? I spent enough time ignoring myself, ignoring God, and trying so very hard to hear anything else which would get me to happy most quickly.

Today, tomorrow and for the rest of my existence, I am going to spend time every day being quiet, listening, learning, healing, loving. I’m not waiting anymore for my life to begin. It’s beginning every moment I recognize what joy I could experience when I sit down and allow myself to experience life instead of just waiting for a greater moment to come.