Tag Archives: marriage

My One Year Wedding Anniversary

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I guess a year ago, I imagined today would be different.

But, I guess I need to be happy about this because it is what I’ve chosen. And I am happy(er).

I want to thank my ex-husband, Ben, for letting me go. If he had told me to stay, I would have.

He knew how unhappy I was and he wanted me to be happy again. He recognized that we weren’t good together, and he put his pride aside to let me go. I am so grateful to him for that. I know he won’t be single long because he is an absolute catch and the right woman will make him very happy. I’m sorry that it wasn’t me.

I’m not sure how this day will end up. I’m not sure if my feelings of sadness and guilt will overwhelm me or if I’ll feel satisfied that I took a risk that I knew would bring both of us to a better place, even though the haul has been difficult. Will it be a celebration of sorts, or a day to dread?

When I wake up tomorrow, I’ll know. I hope I carry myself with grace, keep my cool and emerge feeling proud of where I am today, even though most days I feel the weight of guilt on my shoulders. I hope I don’t lose it and cry at some inappropriate time(which I have done at least three times in front of people who were not, at the time, close friends).

I know I am not the only person who deals with this. I know that it doesn’t take a divorce to struggle through anniversaries of events. I know there are others who feel alone in their quest, or feel judged by others. I wish we could all forgive ourselves, and others. I wish we could celebrate instead of mourn our choices or the paths we’ve been on. I wish we could lean on others without feeling like a burden, because we’ve allowed them at one point or another to lean on us. I wish we could move through grief and struggle with understanding. Misery does not love company. But this path will turn, one day.

I will toast my ex-husband today, his future and his happiness, because he has allowed me to pursue mine.

 

 

The Wedding of a Friend

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In general, I love weddings. I love them moreso when I know the couple well who is marrying. I love them even more than that when I’m in the wedding. It is such a blessing to be a part of someone’s big day and to watch and be a part of the preparations leading up to their lifetime together.

Obviously, there is a little bit of pain involved for me because I’m mid-divorce and watching someone else find the love of her life, commit to him and be happy in that, could engender feelings of bitterness, jealousy, apathy or disbelief. I feel so blessed that I had none of those feelings. At most, there was a twinge of self-pity once throughout the entire weekend. I even think my few moments of sadness were merited. The first song of the night was Al Green’s Let’s Stay Together and the entire wedding party, save myself, got up to dance with someone. I was sitting at the head table alone, with my beer. I gave myself the whole song to feel bad, fought back tears and then said, “Ok, that’s enough. Go find someone to dance with or dance by yourself.” I did just that and had a fabulous time.

I still believe that true love exists and that happily married is a possibility. I’m just not sure what’s in my future. All I know is that the standard way didn’t work for me and I’m not sure which way will be the path to my ultimate happiness. I’m definitely scared of committing to anyone, for any period of time, because it didn’t work out for me. Everything in my life has changed and I don’t feel the stability I felt at any other time in my life. I know this is a growing period. I felt growth at the wedding. I knew that even a week before, I wouldn’t have been able to be genuinely happy for my friend, or cut off my sadness and have  good time. I know there is growth. I know it will continue.

I want to end this blog with a blessing for my newly married friend and her husband:

May you always look to one another for strength, support, courage and help.

May you always be strong, supportive, courageous and helpful when your spouse needs it.

May you fight fair, be honest, stay true and rest in the knowledge that you are meant for one another.

Shabbat Should Mean Light

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I went to services on last Friday night with my friend Becca. I enjoy going to services with her. She introduced me to some very sweet people. I saw six people I had met while living in Orange County and even met up with one of them for a drink after the Oneg Mixer.

But, while I enjoyed parts of the evening, the services brought out something in me that doesn’t feel good.

I’m not sure that this is the life God intended me to live. I’m happier, at parts, but I just don’t know what he intended for me. On one hand, I’m so happy that I hope this is what he wanted. On the other hand, I know I violated the promise I made to him and to my husband that the bond we were forming was going to be one that lasted forever. It was the first time since the day I left Ben that I felt guilt. I wouldn’t go back and change what I did, but I want to feel at peace with it.

What about the services made me feel unworthy?

It was the people who looked so genuinely happy praising God. It’s not that I can’t praise God with a happy and honest heart; I feel more blessed in this time in my life than any other. It’s that I know I’m missing something. What I had is replaced by fear that I won’t ever have it again. I hope that should my fate be to spend the rest of my life in solitude that I remember that I am happier being alone that lonely with someone else by my side. We would have made each other very unhappy and I know it’s better off this way. But, the fear lingers…

I don’t want to feel like I’m in a prison