I spent two years waiting for my life to begin. I cried. I lamented. I tried to be patient.
I gave up.
Now I am here, more or less controlling my life, as much as possible considering I believe Hashem is truly in charge. But, now that I’m here, I want everything and I want it now. I had been practicing delayed gratification on such a grand scale that now I feel I’ve been flung onto the other end of the spectrum. I’m not sure I can slow the train just yet.
I am going to have to put a concentrated focus into being patient, into enjoying the anticipation of an event, a meeting, a meal, a feeling. I am going to have to relearn how to be quiet in a space alone without any expectations.
One can learn to be patient again. One can learn anything one wants if there is a true desire. I do want to be someone who can take deep breaths, relax, enjoy moments without thinking about the next one will bring.
Right now I’m just so excited about life that each moment which brings me satisfaction, happiness, joy, and pleasure triples my desire for more moments like these. Luckily, I’m not a drug user nor do I have an addictive personality, because this could get wild.
I do, however, find myself looking for the next big thing, or even just the next thing. I’m struggling with the quiet space. And it’s the quiet space that is really important. It allows for continued introspection, reflection and understanding of one’s self. I try to find a little quiet space every day, to be with myself, putting my iPhone and laptop aside. I don’t want to hear anything, except for my inner thoughts. What am I telling myself when I finally listen? What is God telling me? I spent enough time ignoring myself, ignoring God, and trying so very hard to hear anything else which would get me to happy most quickly.
Today, tomorrow and for the rest of my existence, I am going to spend time every day being quiet, listening, learning, healing, loving. I’m not waiting anymore for my life to begin. It’s beginning every moment I recognize what joy I could experience when I sit down and allow myself to experience life instead of just waiting for a greater moment to come.