Tag Archives: women

The Wedding of a Friend

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In general, I love weddings. I love them moreso when I know the couple well who is marrying. I love them even more than that when I’m in the wedding. It is such a blessing to be a part of someone’s big day and to watch and be a part of the preparations leading up to their lifetime together.

Obviously, there is a little bit of pain involved for me because I’m mid-divorce and watching someone else find the love of her life, commit to him and be happy in that, could engender feelings of bitterness, jealousy, apathy or disbelief. I feel so blessed that I had none of those feelings. At most, there was a twinge of self-pity once throughout the entire weekend. I even think my few moments of sadness were merited. The first song of the night was Al Green’s Let’s Stay Together and the entire wedding party, save myself, got up to dance with someone. I was sitting at the head table alone, with my beer. I gave myself the whole song to feel bad, fought back tears and then said, “Ok, that’s enough. Go find someone to dance with or dance by yourself.” I did just that and had a fabulous time.

I still believe that true love exists and that happily married is a possibility. I’m just not sure what’s in my future. All I know is that the standard way didn’t work for me and I’m not sure which way will be the path to my ultimate happiness. I’m definitely scared of committing to anyone, for any period of time, because it didn’t work out for me. Everything in my life has changed and I don’t feel the stability I felt at any other time in my life. I know this is a growing period. I felt growth at the wedding. I knew that even a week before, I wouldn’t have been able to be genuinely happy for my friend, or cut off my sadness and have  good time. I know there is growth. I know it will continue.

I want to end this blog with a blessing for my newly married friend and her husband:

May you always look to one another for strength, support, courage and help.

May you always be strong, supportive, courageous and helpful when your spouse needs it.

May you fight fair, be honest, stay true and rest in the knowledge that you are meant for one another.

Realization of Why

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I don’t know for sure what the cosmic reasons for my two and half years of living abroad, or for the divorce. If I were to be so bold to hazard a guess, I would say that God intended for me to be in this place right now. I finally feel like I’m pursuing a goal and a life that is meant for me. My grind means something. I’m satisfied and fulfilled by it. I wish it sustained me as an economic support, but one day, I know it will.

I’ve seen changes in myself. I’m slower to judge and slower to speak. I’m much more easy going. I’m softer. I don’t have the energy, desire, or need to fight with others over most things. My response to a personal challenge is often a shrug of the shoulders, which doesn’t mean I’ve given up, it means that I’m better able to judge what’s worth fighting over. But, I really don’t have the power in me to fight someone. I am devoting all my energy to fighting for myself. I want to find me again. I want to be myself, and it has to be the best version of myself. I was an unacceptable version for far too long. I’m getting there slowly, slowly. I like who I’m becoming. I’m aware of who I was and where I’ve been and where I don’t want to be ever again.

Moving to Burbank has definitely helped this process. If I had stayed in Fresno, surrounded by my family and friends, light and support, I would still be using that crutch. Relocating to a place where I would be initially alone forced me  to constantly evaluate who I was, what I was and who I was going to be. I had to make new friends. I had to depend on myself and I only had me depending on myself. I was out on my own. That’s really only partially true because I had emotional and financial support from my parents, as well as love from my friends whenever I needed it. But I was physically alone, discovering myself again. It has been a good journey so far, but not without trials, to be sure.

What I’m challenged by most, right now, is still guilt. I feel like I’m carrying around a lot of it. I know why, but I’m tired of doing it. It’s weighing me down unnecessarily and making my progress slower. I want to put this guilt down, but I don’t know how.

So while I understand that I don’t fully understand the purpose behind all that has happened to me, and all that I have caused to happen, I am trying to make sense of it. I am feeling more at ease than I ever have before. I like being the softer version of myself. I like being malleable to ideas. I like being open to new things. I like testing waters. I like testing myself. I like meeting new people and my whole story is mine. I also like being with old friends who can see the changes in me and like them.

Feeling Too Much

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Note to readers: I wrote this a few weeks ago, but couldn’t publish it because it was too raw for me to admit. Since I’ve (at least momentarily) overcome it, I feel like I can share it because I think that there are other people who feel this way right now and if I can help someone by showing raw feelings and making them feel less alone, then I need to do that. So here it is:

Not all Coldplay music makes me feel bad, but that first album really socks me in the gut.

I’m sitting here listening to it and feeling awful. I’m thinking about where my life is, what I expected out of myself, who I was supposed to be and I’m looking around thinking: what? How did you end up here? Part of me feels pathetic, the other part feels really happy to be anywhere, but where I was.

I both know and don’t know why I feel bad.

Part of the way we feel can’t be controlled, because if we could control our feelings, we’d be awesome Vulcans. Vulcans are not controlled by their feelings and so they can always make rational decisions. The downside of that is if you never feel bad, you never feel good. I know that hurting has a counterpart, so I accept that we are merely humans. Part of the way we feel should be able to be rationalized and once understood, put away. I think there are actually people who can either ignore how they feel or suppress it.

I cannot do that. My feelings well up and take me over. I am thoroughly controlled by them and it makes me feel weak, helpless, stupid and frustrated. If someone is mean to me or doesn’t respond to me the way I hope or expect, I get so far up in my head thinking about what I did to cause them to act how they do that I can’t see the proverbial forest for the trees. It’s likely that how another person is acting has absolutely nothing to do with me, simply because the world doesn’t revolve around me and whatever is going on in his or her life is manifesting in his or her treatment of me, or my perceived treatment. So I know this, but I can’t change how I feel.

Sometimes I feel really bad. Sometimes I feel really good. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing anything worthwhile and there isn’t anything that can change that. Sometimes I feel like I’m out there nailing the world to the wall and just killing it. I know it’s silly and unreasonable, but I want to feel that way all the time. I just don’t.

It’s like a watered down version of being bi-polar.

I woke up SO happy today because I had a big success last night. I figured that would take me pretty far for awhile in the feelings department. It’s 11:15 pm and I feel crushed. My heart actually hurts. I “know” why I feel this way and I’m angry that I let something so insignificant bother me. I know that I’m letting at least one very silly thing have a lot of control over how I feel about myself, my life and my day. I want to stop feeling this way. But, I am filled with emotion constantly.

The hope of feeling good all the time builds my expectations up to dangerous levels because the crash is so violent when I don’t feel good.

I need to learn how to not hang my entire being on one thing, to enjoy all the good things more fully, to relax, not to worry about details, to accept inevitability of life. I think this is a problem many women have. We get caught up on one thing or one person and we let all that collapse upon us. It’s exhausting, not to mention stupid. I wish I could out think my heart. I wish I didn’t allow my mood to depend upon something I can’t control. I wish I didn’t feel so much, all the time.

Postscript:

I feel much better. Much much better. If the middle part of this post is something that you identify with, and are currently suffering, know that there are ebbs and tides in life and very soon will be the time for you to reach out into the sand and ripple beautifully across the sand, making your mark. In the same vein, you will again experience the disappointment of recceeding into the ocean and becoming part of a larger, confused mass. It’s just the way life is. Accept it, and keep going with the flow.