In general, I love weddings. I love them moreso when I know the couple well who is marrying. I love them even more than that when I’m in the wedding. It is such a blessing to be a part of someone’s big day and to watch and be a part of the preparations leading up to their lifetime together.
Obviously, there is a little bit of pain involved for me because I’m mid-divorce and watching someone else find the love of her life, commit to him and be happy in that, could engender feelings of bitterness, jealousy, apathy or disbelief. I feel so blessed that I had none of those feelings. At most, there was a twinge of self-pity once throughout the entire weekend. I even think my few moments of sadness were merited. The first song of the night was Al Green’s Let’s Stay Together and the entire wedding party, save myself, got up to dance with someone. I was sitting at the head table alone, with my beer. I gave myself the whole song to feel bad, fought back tears and then said, “Ok, that’s enough. Go find someone to dance with or dance by yourself.” I did just that and had a fabulous time.
I still believe that true love exists and that happily married is a possibility. I’m just not sure what’s in my future. All I know is that the standard way didn’t work for me and I’m not sure which way will be the path to my ultimate happiness. I’m definitely scared of committing to anyone, for any period of time, because it didn’t work out for me. Everything in my life has changed and I don’t feel the stability I felt at any other time in my life. I know this is a growing period. I felt growth at the wedding. I knew that even a week before, I wouldn’t have been able to be genuinely happy for my friend, or cut off my sadness and have good time. I know there is growth. I know it will continue.
I want to end this blog with a blessing for my newly married friend and her husband:
May you always look to one another for strength, support, courage and help.
May you always be strong, supportive, courageous and helpful when your spouse needs it.
May you fight fair, be honest, stay true and rest in the knowledge that you are meant for one another.